This story is part of a satire issue for the week of April Fools.
SPINT has a long tradition of creating innovative and exciting themed houses to build unique communities across campus. In that tradition, Brock Blomberg was notified this morning that his house will be the newest SPINT house added to the mix. When making the decision to add the house, the SPINT Project Coordinators assumed this would be okay with Blomberg considering he’s always saying you can use his grill out back anyway. Naturally, the house’s theme is “Brock Blomberg.”
Within the first few hours that applications for the Brock House were announced nearly forty students applied. Blomberg himself was among the applicants and though his office gave no official comment on the matter, Kiley Addis, a sophomore student worker in Corson, reported hearing Brock say, “What? Apply? To my own house? Of course I’m going to get in. I deserve a single too.”
Ben Susser, a senior SPINT resident at Queer house said, “Damn, I like really wish I’d had to the opportunity to apply to Brock House—there’s so many possibilities for that theme.”
Another SPINT resident at Queer House, Joe Simon, said, “I already applied for other SPINT houses but I’m definitely thinking of applying to Brock House next year. It’s going to be the life of the party. As far as event ideas, I was thinking of possibly a fashion event—like you know—‘How to get the Brock look.’ I’m not sure the SPINT budget would pay for all those vibrant dress shirts but we could submit a special request for funding.”
SPINT project coordinator, Solana Warner, explained, “This is an innovative move for SPINT. I wasn’t sure about it at first but the people who proposed it really made a firm argument for ways their SPINT house would use the space and SPINT budget.”
I reached out to the group of ambitious students who organized the Brock House initiative (the group wishes to remain anonymous). Proposing a new SPINT house involves presenting in front of a group of current SPINT house Project Coordinators. At their presentation the Brock House team wore masks resembling the visage of our college president to preserve their anonymity and of course pay homage to the new theme.
Luckily they had an email address (email@example.com). I asked them very openly what need they saw Brock House fulfilling and they responded, “You know this campus has a lot of tension—we really want to just alleviate that tension. While we will of course host a variety of Brock themed events our biggest campus contribution will be offering a place to dump complaints. Anything really. Wismer food sucks today? Shout at Brock House. Do you not like your roommate? Shout at Brock House. Did your professor give you a B+ when you damn well deserved an A? Again, shout at Brock House. If you want to make a more enumerated complaint we’ll also be setting up a mailbox outside where you can leave more extensive disgruntled letters.”
I replied, “Wait, so do the residents have to fix these issues? That seems like a tall order for one house.”
They promptly emailed back, “No, no, no. You don’t get it. The point isn’t to change anything. I mean half of that stuff no one at Brock House has anything to do with. The point is that sometimes you just need to release some of the frustration—Brock House will be really cathartic, transformative even.”
Hopeful Brock House applicant, Daniel Walker, said, “I’ve already started practicing my selfie skills—I think it’s important to start prepping now. I really want to get in the right Brock House mindset.”
Duncan McLeod, a Junior SPINT project coordinator, said, “I don’t know if I could live in Brock House but I admire the students who want to and wish them luck in the rigorous application process. It seems a bit extensive just . . . to live in a house. But you know—power to them.”
After the initial house interviews, additional steps may include but are not limited to, squirrel taming, staring at a live stream of the construction of the IDC and pledging your enteral alliance to the Ursinus “brand.”
Brock House’s team also reported, “This will be a great branding opportunity in general and we really want to see residents who are ready to commit to innovative branding ideas. We’re talking wearing Ursinus gear 24/7—painting the walls red and gold—replace the pool water with Ursinus magnets—Ursinus tattoos—sky’s the limit!”